Keeping God Out of Kansas, by Michelle Wildgrass of Nibbling News Service

Dear Christians in America,

Hector Klumpp understands that, because of his previous embrace of Beefy Nihilism, Christians in America will have trouble trusting him in relation to the Anticipatory Peace Proposal from the Nihilist Lites. His reputation from the past makes it hard for you to believe he would work peacefully with you.

And now that the conspiracy theories are out there in force against him, well, you need to get a deeper sense for how he has changed. As Hector shared…

I hale from Nibbling, Minnesota, but after college I moved to Kansas, where I took a position as Director of the Division of Small Business Failure. And in that position I made it my business to, shall we say, keep God out of business. So I “intervened” — a lot. And frankly, it became controversial.

So Hector has asked me to give you a brief introduction to the story of his time in Kansas as the Director of the Division of Small Business Failure, as a way which can help you see how he has changed. That was a time of conflict; now he wants peace.

Motivational Speaker Asks Businessmen To Face Reality

Top Kansas businessmen enjoy listening
to Hector Klumpp.

(Cottonwood Falls, KS) – When Hector Klumpp was seven years old a fireworks accident took away his hearing in one ear for a year. At the age of sixteen a bowling accident crippled the pinky toe of his left foot, leaving him with a permanent handicap (after an appeal to the American Bowling Association). And just last year, on an attempt to drive into the Strange Uncharted Mountains outside his hometown of Nibbling, Minnesota, his car unexpectedly went into reverse as it hurled down a mountainside, leaving him with a snidely case of whiplash. But in spite of these adversities, the 23-year-old Klumpp, recently appointed Director of the Division of Small Business Failure for the state of Kansas, has emerged as a top motivational speaker.

Klumpp, who attributes his speaking success to “the fact I’ve finally found my Hedgehog Concept,” was in Cottonwood Falls on Wednesday as part of the Department’s “Lay It On The Line” tour.

“What we’re trying to do,” according to Ed Ansjcwiteckailyrpl, the only three-time Kansas State Spelling Bee Winner, who is now Assistant Deputy Director of the Division of Small Business Failure, “is to motivate business people to peak performance by making them face the real world we live in. So many businesses fail today not because of mismanagement or lack of capital or lack of entrepreneurial talent, but simply because people have a hopeful view of reality. And we try to correct that.”

Speaking before a capacity crowd in the Earl Flee Cafe, Klumpp urged attendees to “come to grips with meaninglessness. It’s time to carpe diem. When the going gets meaningless, the meaningless get going. So since today is the first day of the rest of your meaningless life, learn to always look on the meaningless side of life. Take one meaningless step at a time. It’s who we are and we have to accept it.”

During the speech Klumpp explained to the enthusiastic crowd that “what I’m trying to say is since there is no ultimate meaning and purpose to life, your life here and now is ultimately meaningless. Therefore, in order to succeed in business, it’s best to face that reality and bravely battle on. You’ve got to accept the idea that all the long hours, all the great risks, all the hopes, and all the dreams, come to nothing in the end. But keep going anyway. That’s the road to success in business.”

Afterwards, Klumpp took time for questions and comments.

Hymer Gladstone, who operates a hand-dug limestone quarry southwest of town, said he was “encouraged by this here approach. I often wonder why I break my back every day. What is it I actually want from all this labor I’m puttin’ in? And now it’s clear it’s all pointless. And it’s a relief because if it’s all pointless, then I can go about it mindlessly without having to think about it anymore.”

But other residents weren’t so sure.

Ellinor Wonsevu, who owns a tour bus, asked Klumpp whether he would have “come to the same conclusions if you were convinced God existed and he actually cared about humans?”

Klumpp responded by pointing out that “as an official representative of the state of Kansas, I’m not interested in exploring such possibilities. This is our official story and we’re stickin’ to it.”

Following the appearance, Klumpp attended a signing party for his new book, How To Find A Meaningless Career.

“I’m real excited by the potential of this book,” he said. “We expect young people will especially be inspired. In fact, we’re getting all sorts of requests to speak on the topic at commencement exercises across the state.”

Here are some other stories from his time in Kansas which reflect the ongoing conflict that surrounded Hector’s quest to drive God out of business in Kansas …

Moving Company Declares Bankruptcy

Tommy Lee Aquinas, on the right, encourages his union members to
slow down and think about what they’re doing.

(Kansas City, Kansas) — Hundreds of homebuyers and sellers were sent scrambling this week as Hume Moving and Storage became the fifth Kansas City area moving company to declare bankruptcy this summer as the result of an ongoing dispute with the local Movers Union.

“It’s absurd,” said owner Dave Hume. “We all know there’s a cause for this and it’s time we faced it.”

The dispute, which began in May, is over a new union rule which allows moving company workers “time for philosophical reflection” on the job.

Tommy Lee Aquinas, president of Union Local 101, explained the new rule at a press conference following Hume’s announcement.

“In this increasingly complex and fast-paced society we live in, our guys have felt an increasing need to slow down and think about their work. And one of the things which got their attention recently is the idea of a first mover. So we’re trying to give them room to fully explore that issue.”

Socrates T. Paperopolous, who recently spent a whole day discussing the issue with workers from the now-defunct Prime Movers, Inc., is sympathetic to the need.

“You know, I can see where these guys are coming from,” he said from his new two-room apartment.

“Doing their job you can’t help but notice that ultimately nothing moves itself. And yet things do get moved. But without an ultimate first mover, well, that couldn’t happen. So you can imagine their great curiosity about this first mover. I mean, how could you not be curious about this?”

Sergio Hantruck, a union member for the past seven years, explained his take on it.

“A lot of us are thinking about it in terms of a ‘Great Chain of Movers.’ I mean, none of us started ourselves moving. And if you keep working back in time you gotta come to a first mover. Otherwise, how could this chain have ever started moving? Cuz’ it sure is moving now.”

But one government official, Hector Klumpp, the recently appointed Director of the Division of Small Business Failure, would like the philosophical talk to stop and the real moving to begin again.

“I was just flabbergasted when I heard about this,” said Klumpp during his first weekly ham and eggs press conference.

“Here businesses are failing and union workers are talking about philosophy and religion? What do they think this is, Poland during the 1980s? Come on now, what good is that? This is America, we don’t need those kind of discussions. But somebody does need to light a fire under this situation. Who’s the government official in charge of labor relations? Maybe somebody needs to light an acetylene torch under his rear end.”

Dr. Marcus Welpy, longtime Kansas Secretary of Labor and Delivery, took exception to Klumpp’s comments.

“Who is this guy? I’ve never heard of him before. And where does he come off criticizing union members? Aren’t they free to think? Doesn’t that come with being human? If George Meany were still alive, I think he’d have Klumpp’s head on a platter.”

Jane Smith, head of the Governor’s Commission on Multiculturalism, defended the right of workers to think on the job.

“I hope this Klumpp fellow, whoever he is, will respect the rights of workers of all cultural backgrounds. There are obviously all different types of workers out there and some of them like to think. Please allow them to do so, Mr. Klumpp.”

New Year’s Eve Brawl Erupts in Abilene

Wild times in Abilene: Kansas National Guard brought in
to restore order.

(Abilene, KS) – It was the best of times, it was the worst of times for the city of Abilene. As a wave of over 15,000 people descended on the town on New Year’s Eve, restaurants had difficulty digesting customers, gas stations pumped gold, and the biggest brawl in the history of this fabled cowtown stampeded through the streets.

“What a wild night!,” said Deputy Sheriff Tim Hersey. “I guess this shows once again ideas do have consequences.”

The consequences in this case came from an idea being pushed by Charles and Winona Parker, the owners of the Infinity Hotel.

“In spite of the unfortunate events which occurred, we’re still pressing on with our goal of proving an actually infinite number of things can exist,” said Charles. “There’s too much at stake here to give up now.”

The beginnings of the strangest New Year’s celebration in the history of Abilene began the first week in December when the Parkers blanketed the Fort Riley, Junction City and Manhattan areas with advertisements announcing a fabulous deal for New Year’s Eve.

“I should have known it was too good to be true,” said Pfc. Antawn Seelye of Fort Riley. “Only $10 a night! But they said there was unlimited space available. Me and my wife just fell for it. We’re just like everybody else, looking for a good deal.”

Joe McCoy, a cattle rancher from south of Abilene, stayed out of town despite the radio ads which kept announcing “Come one, come all!”

“It was like they were trying to create a boom town overnight,” said McCoy. “That just isn’t possible. I just knew there would be trouble.”

And trouble there was. By 4:30 in the afternoon all the rooms at the hotel were occupied. But the clerks at the front desk kept handing out room keys to those who endured the long lines which snaked out of the lobby and into the cold Kansas winter.

“We waited over 45 minutes in line, finally got our key about 6:00 o’clock and then went to our room,” explained Minori Eisenhower, who had only persuaded her husband that morning to make the trip from Leonardville.

“The room numbers on the doors are displayed on a little flashing video screen and our key number corresponded to the number on the door. But when we opened it and went in, there were two other couples in there arguing about whose room it was!”

Her husband, D.D. Eisenhower, described what happened next.

“One of the fella’s who was arguing had already started his New Year’s Eve drinkin’ and he was real heated up. So he talked us into going back to the lobby and ‘knockin’ some heads’ to make this thing right. By the time we got there it was so packed we couldn’t squeeze through to the front. So he starts to pushin’ and shovin’ and before you know it a general purpose brawl had broken out. It was just like watchin’ one of them Batman and Robin fights from the old TV show. Bam! Pow! Whap! I loved it!”

And apparently the enthusiasm was catching. Deputy Sheriff Hersey had by this time shown up on the scene.

“As I drove up I could see a big crowd outside strainin’ to get in and kinda’ pulsating back and forth. And then suddenly folks start streaming out of the lobby and fights just began to erupt all over the place.”

Meanwhile, traffic continued to pour into town off the I-70 exit.

“Worst traffic jam I ever seen in Abilene,” said longtime resident C. L. Brown. “I called my wife on my cell phone and said ‘Don’t even think about coming down here.'”

According to reports, sometime close to 6:30 p.m. traffic came to a complete halt. And that’s when the stampede started, recounts Hersey.

“I think folks just reached a fever pitch of frustration. They started getting out of their cars and running towards the commotion at the hotel. And after that, well, it’s going to take me a week just to finish the report.”

And as Abilene begins to recover from its night of madness, the Attorney General has launched an investigation into the events which led to the disturbance.

David Hilbert, Assistant Attorney General for Hotel and Motel Fraud, revealed that this is not the first time the Parkers have been embroiled in controversy.

“We now have two reliable reports of similar events in the past decade. It appears the Parkers have tried this before and each time it ends in absurdity. We’re planning on charging them with violating provisions in the Kansas Consumer Fraud Act governing the attempt to create actual infinites in consumer transactions. They may end up serving some pretty indefinite sentences by the time we’re through with them.”

Meanwhile, the Parkers are unrepentant.

“Someday you’ll see how important the work we’re doing is. Because if there is no such thing as an actual infinite, well, then time actually had a beginning. And if it had a beginning then there must have been a first cause which started the whole thing. And frankly, we don’t like the idea one bit. Just think of the implications!”

Hector Klumpp, Director of the Division of Small Business Failure, called for leniency for the Parkers.

“We’ve all got to understand their purpose,” said Klumpp. “It’s a noble purpose, and one we should in theory support. If the Attorney General would be willing to suspend his investigation indefinitely, I’d be willing to give the Parkers a grant from the Division of Small Business Failure which would enable them to continue their practical experiments in a less chaotic fashion. They just need a listening ear from us.”

Man Still Counting

A photo of Hubert Sumlis as a young boy at the chalkboard where it all started for him.

(Tonganoxie, Kansas)
— While most 18-year-olds have finished high school and are looking forward to beginning college in the fall, Tonganoxie resident Hubert Sumlis remains busy at home with a task which has occupied eight hours of every day of his life since he was eight years old.

“Most people would become bored after a year or two,” said Sumlis, “but for me, it has been one long adventure.”

The task this young man has pursued with boundless energy is simply to count as many numbers as he can in his lifetime.

“As far as my folks and I can determine, this is something no one else has ever devoted his life to,” said Sumlis. “So, we can see it’s certainly something highly significant.”

But according to his parents, Rosa and Ordnal, there’s also a deeper draw at work.

“About six years ago the whole experience changed for Hubert when he finally came to grips with the fact he would never be able to count all the possible numbers,” explained Rosa. “But instead of discouraging him, it made him very curious. He began to wonder about the relationship between mind and numbers. His experience made him realize there were too many numbers for them to be the result of the intellectual activity of human minds. So where did they come from? What are they grounded in? It all seems to point to a divine mind. And thinking about this is what keeps him going, we think.”

Meanwhile, some college math departments are beginning to take notice.

“We’ve offered him a full ride,” explained a source close to the math department at Princeton, “because the potential is clearly there. He’s got such a beautiful mind.”

Hector Klumpp, Director of the Division of Small Business Failure, urged Kansas State University to withdraw their scholarship offer to Sumlis and “let Princeton have him.”

“Sure, it’s more brain drain,” said Klumpp, “but this kid is asking all the wrong kinds of questions. Some brains are better drained. K-State could find itself swamped if this kid gets admitted and other students begin to forsake the bars of Aggieville for Friday night counting sessions.”

Lone Julie Andrews Fan Club in Kansas Folds

What would she say about this?

(Scott City, KS) – Saturday was a sad day for a group of philosopher movie buffs in this Western Kansas town. The only Julie Andrews Fan Club in the state of Kansas officially called it quits. The club was formed years ago and at its height boasted 137 members. But death and disability finally brought it to a halt.

“It was a great time,” said Howard Hereford, 87, club president. “But everythin’s got to end sometime. Our only regret is we never did get our question answered.”

The story behind the unanswered question tells a lot about the unique group of fans who came together by mistake.

“Yeah, it was kinda’ strange,” recounts Angus Galloway, 85. “We didn’t start out intending to have a fan club. In fact, we didn’t ever intend to watch a Julie Andrews movie. It was during the Gulf War and some of our wives were spending the weekend at a ladies hair-coloring retreat. So we thought it might be fun to get some of the fellows together and watch a John Wayne war movie. Sven Simmental said he had one and would bring it over. And when he got here, well, it turns out it was Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. His wife has always been just a bit dingy and she musta’ accidentally switched ‘em. But out of the eight guys who were there, only one had actually seen it. So we thought, ‘What the heck, let’s do it for the wives,’ and put it on. And the rest is history.”

And what an unusual history it was. Those eight cattlemen came away from the movie changed men.

“It was Red Poll, God bless his soul, who started it all,” said Murray Grey, 91.

“At the point in the film where Julie Andrews sings ‘Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could,’ Red suddenly jumps out of his chair and yells for Angus to rewind it. Which he does — six more times.”

“Yeah, Red starts speakin’ real fast-like,” said Braford Holstein. “He’s saying, ‘Guys, I can’t believe she said that! That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking about the last week! Do you see what it means?’”

“And of course none of us did,” said Grey. “But we all knew Red was a deeper thinker than most of us so we oughta’ at least pay him some attention.”

Poll, who died last year at the age of 95, proceeded to explain to his friends that Julie Andrews’ line was incredibly profound — if it was true.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” said Dutch Shorthorn, 82. “He said if nothing comes from nothing and never could, then we were going to have to wrassle with the fact something existed. Cause if something exists, well, it couldna’ come from nothing. So it means something musta’ always existed. Which means something is eternal. And what could that be? Either the universe or some kind of eternal being who created the universe.”

“And you gotta’ understand that for a bunch of non-religious guys who’d spent their lives out on the farm and not done much thinking about such things, well, it was profound,” said Blue Barzona.

“For some reason it was like the lights came on. Suddenly we had an interest in thinkin’ about such things — and all of us were kinda’ old guys by then. So it was really a new experience. And a lot of the guys had enough of a science background to understand that the science points to a beginning for the universe. And anything that begins to exist by definition isn’t eternal.”

“Anyway, we stayed up late talkin’ that night and then agreed we’d meet again the next month to talk some more. And watch another Julie Andrews movie. Of course, we eventually ran out of her movies so we branched out. But once a month we’d watch a film and then discuss anything we thought was profound out of it,” said Shorthorn. “But we decided to keep it an official Julie Andrews Fan Club. Every member got a framed picture and a video of The Sound of Music. And every year we’d send her a Christmas card and ask her the same question.”

And the question?

“Why is there something rather than nothing?” said Hereford. “Red was real keen on seeing if she could answer that. But she never did. Guess she figured cattle ranchers out in Western Kansas couldn’t seriously be thinking about such things. But we were.”

Hector Klumpp, Director of the Division of Small Business Failure, applauded the end of the club in a full page ad in The Western Kansas Farmer and Stockman’s Enquirer, paid for by the Division of Small Business Failure. The ad read in part:

On behalf of the entire business community of Kansas, the Division of Small Business Failure encourages farmers and stockmen across Kansas to stick to their fields and herds and refrain from philosophizing. The business of Kansas is business and we’re better off without unnecessary activities like the recently deceased Julie Andrews Fan Club.

We’re also better off without subversives like Red Poll. We need reality desperately and long for the day will come when people like him cease to lead others towards unreality.

Klumpp was put on administrative leave by the Governor the day after publication of the letter.

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